When I carelessly tossed the package of Super Mario 3D Land Gummy into my life-partner’s shopping basket the other day, I didn’t even realize what it was. I saw Mario on the package, and like a mindless child I just grabbed it off the shelf and hucked it in there without thinking about anything except the fact that I saw Mario, and he is red, and he is my friend, and I like him. The damned thing cost a hundred yen, which I probably should have considered, because I mean a buck is a buck, that is a hamburger at Japanese McDonald’s, where Ronald McDonald is called Donald McDonald because nobody here can say the letter R.
I originally thought the package contained some sort of chocolate disc in addition to its cursory bauble, but was shocked upon opening it up at home to discover that the “food” item that makes up Super Mario 3D Land Gummy is in fact a gummy. A coin-shaped gummy, to be precise, one that isn’t exceedingly large either, despite being encased in a massive plastic slab roughly the size of six Super Mario 3D Land cartridges placed next to each other. The foil package says the gummy coin has a pineapple flavor, which is actually right on the money, aha, it is a coin, oh, oh my heart.
Eating this pineapple-flavored coin-shaped gummy is sort of like eating one hundred yen transformed into a small, slightly tough, gelatinous disc. I really like gummies so what I would have enjoyed as both an eater and a consumer would be “more gummies in the package.” It is just the one, and well, that ain’t much gummy if you know what I am saying. I bet if you took a single standard gummy worm and coiled it up like a fresh summer’s duke it would occupy just as much or more space than this frozen winter’s cow chip. Still, I enjoyed eating it, gnashing it between my teeth and savoring the juice.
The real treat here, for the kidlings, is the Cursory Trinket, the little whatsit that they like to include with these cheap snacks to get the kids to throw them into their life-partner’s shopping baskets. In the case of Super Mario 3D Land Gummy, it is a single, translucent plastic trading card bearing the grotesque, 3D visage of a single entity from the hit video game Supor Maniac Brothers 3: Man. The card that I received depicts a character named “Bun Bun,” who I recognize from Super Mario Bros. 3 and who is apparently named Boom Boom in English, presumably because Bun Bun doesn’t mean anything in English and Boom Boom holds deep theoretical connotations. For some reason on the card he is radiating some kind of pink rays, and question blocks and coins and all this crap are shooting out from him, which is a special power I do not recall him having in the game. Also in the picture I took of the card you can kind of see a weird hair growing out of it on the left side there, I don’t know what is going on with that or if it is a feature or something. I did not put it there, is what I’m saying.
The back of the foil packet says there are twenty possible cards. If I squint hard enough at the virtually microscopic pictures of them I can see that five of the twenty are Mario in various suits, two are Bowser, and then there are some Koopas and Toad and Goombas and stuff. Good lord, do you suppose anyone is actually trying to collect all twenty. “Yes, I collected all twenty Super Mario 3D Land Gummy plastic trading cards, and it only cost me the approximate retail price of the new hit video game title, Super Mario 3D Land.”
If they keep placing these things close enough to the aisles I troll past when looking for new flavors of Kit Kats and shrubbery-flavored Pepsi products, it might not be that stretchy of a stretch. Maybe a few dozen gummy coins are better for me in the long run than thirty hamburgers from Donald McDonald anyway. Aha, no.